I often wonder how people see me. Because people who i see three days a week every week since november cheared when I laughed a few weeks ago. Like actually fucking celebrated the fact that i laughed. And i wondered if people could actually see how fucking miserable I am, and choose to ignore it.
i almost made a post saying i fucked up, cause i cut… but then i realised that i dont care… the only reason it matters is because eventually someone is going to notice and im going to get yelled at.
if i thought i could get away with it, i’d do more.
sometimes, when i feel alone.. I tell myself i cant be.. because i have you.. but then i remember i dont have you.. not really.. and my heart sort of feels empty.. because you will always have me, but i never had you.
I think it’s rude how the more depressed I get the fatter I get. Cause three years ago when my depression was pretty low level I was a size 8-10. but now that my depression is at, what my doctor calls “risk level” and people dont let me have sharp things or walk on the trafic side of the pavement I find myself a size 14-16. and that is just rude.
is it wrong to not want to do something? is it wrong to actually do something for yourself rather than just people please? is it wrong to not want to be worried all night? is it wrong to not what to be scared and alone all evening? is it wrong to not want to needlessly suffer? is it wrong to want to do something that makes you happy on your birthday? i feel like it should be no, no it isnt wrong. but i know, in my heart it is, because everyone always makes me know just how much of a selfish person i am and just how shit i am for wanting to not suffer.