So, like, it occurred to me that maybe I’m a terrible person. Like maybe that sounds dumb, or maybe obvious, maybe its clear that i am terrible, but although i’ve always known it, i always hoped that people at least understood im trying, but im starting to think maybe i’ve never even been good at trying.
Like, it’s strange because I’m always at war with my head to the point where I hate myself so much it hurts, and my life at the moment is so pointless that im terrified. but like, people have been the one thing thats kept me grounded, and i’ve always liked to think that even if i was bad at it, I cared about people and helped where I could, to the point where sometimes I would feel like I was fixing other people with the parts of myself that were broken.
but maybe i never mattered. perhaps i was useless. maybe the one redeeming feature i thought i had was just something i’d made up in my head to make myself feel better and more justified?
who knows. but, I’ve always known im selfish and rather whiny, so maybe i just imagined this fake quality. maybe no one ever wanted my help or found me useful, but i blew up those moments in my head to make myself feel better about how I felt about myself.